I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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