So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
