I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
