For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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