I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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