3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
where are my eyebrows?
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