Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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