first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
