god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
