Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
