Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
