this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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