I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
