Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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