Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
