On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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