Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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