I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
what day is it and did you see me today?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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