why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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