that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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