My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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