I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.