So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"