Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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