I am in a vortex of obligation.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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