I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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