Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked a lego.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
