I hate all girls vehemently.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
