Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
