I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize