I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
