its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal