Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
