Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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