Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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