Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
