i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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