I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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