Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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