You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Panties = found
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