the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
