Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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