there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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