Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
