i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
