...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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