well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
