it was like his penis was on wheels.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
