this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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