god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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