And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
