this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
