I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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