Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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