Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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