How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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