remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
